Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?

ME: Nice to meet you.

BOSS: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.

Ok I just started watching House M.D.:

1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?

LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*

VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!

LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

me doing my best

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.