Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

[first BDSM session]

Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?

Me: fwerd

Dom: No! SAFEWORD

Me: *flinching* FWERD

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

What about second breakfast?

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

we were doing a cousins pic and we did one that included my cousins’ partners and our pizza got delivered while we were taking it and i jokingly said “invite him in so he can be my boyfriend for the pic”

and my aunt ASKED HIM to and brought him inside & he did the pic 😭😭😭😭😭

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.