Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:![]()
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Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
This will never not be funny 😭
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Hello Twits.
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Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Finally, a door that understands me
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Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.