Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

You ever see someone driving and immediately understand why they’re missing a bumper?

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!

Imma get shredded!

Goes to the cheese aisle.

son: i caught a tadpole!

me: actually that’s a dadpole

son: i’m confused

*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.