Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.

My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.