Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

Bloody internet 😳

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

First I was a pebble..

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”