Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.