Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
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Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.