Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
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An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
These are too funny not to post 😂
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PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.