Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
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Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Terribly Tuesday.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
pls suprot
