Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

peak technology

Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

sir, my pâté if you please

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable

me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

I’m an avid indoorsman.

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden