Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

Husband: you should get out of the house more

Me: *goes shopping*

Husband: not like that

Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

How I like cutting carbs

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.

*grabs mixing bowl*

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

That eye roll….

“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”

Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.