Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
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Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.