Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
You Might Also Like
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
applying for a new job
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants