Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
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Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Matt Goss
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.