Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

Alcohol is photoshop for real life.

Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕

If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle

It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”