Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:

1.) Tortilla chips

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

That’s enough internet for the day

do u think theres a butter planet?

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”

Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.

Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies