Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
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based al yankovic
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Monday
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.