Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

What do you call a Magician without any magic?

Ian.

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

“Holy shit I’m a cat?”

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

*wife looks through my phone

*divorces me 8 times