Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Bill is short for Billiam

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people

Me: correcting people, actually

I: no it’s-

Me: i know what it says

if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

I never needed anything more in my life

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me

Me:

Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.