Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

At Walmart during the holidays like..

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

Fly wife: Notice anything?

Fly husband: …

Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

don’t we all

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”