Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
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“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
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Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog