Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Me: “Can you go back four slides?”

Bride: “To the wedding dress?”

Me: “No, the cheese plate.”

Me: Wipes tears.

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

Should I call tech support or pray or what

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”