Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.

Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.

I’m about to make it rein, deer.

(Please don’t block me.)

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

Girl, same.

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.