Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

i was baptized in a car wash

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

No one can handle that

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “You’ll be back.”

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

*carves turkey

*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?