Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
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BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I remember when things only cost an arm.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here