Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
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It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
This trial is so absurd 😭
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect