HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
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Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad