HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
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My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”