HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
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A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.