Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

canadian assassins are called killergrams

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

When you let grandma cat sit

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

Important

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

Plot twist:

“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?

Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

Being married to me:

Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.