Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

*pounding on her chest*

DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!

*pounds harder*

(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!

CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

gender is a sprctrum

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen