Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
You Might Also Like
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
my name if I was in the mob
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!