Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂

He was so close.

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

just gave your address to some spiders

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered