Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.