Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I can’t stop watching this.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
The cops knocked on my door and said, we’re looking for a burglar with one eye.
I said, wouldn’t it be better if you used both eyes.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Stop judging people for what app they escape reality with and go back to judging them for what month they were born in
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
