Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
