Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.

ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

Stork: I have a baby.

Pigeon: I have the mail.

Canary: I have bad news.

“I can’t lie to you”

You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.