Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
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News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
goldfish mafia
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Glasses
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.