Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
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GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹