Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

[ alone in a dark cemetery ]

me: marco

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

i hate you platonically

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma