Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

Her: No filter!

Me: Add one tho

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund

store manager: that’s a rocket launcher

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

Cain was the first to call out Abelism.

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

secret recipe

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too