Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you
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Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
my nickname in college
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”