Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock
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When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
a god among men
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I need to get some bricks…
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
