Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock
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Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?