Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock
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Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
How high do the levels go?
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?