Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
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5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.