Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
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“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles