Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

me: I stand corrected

chiropractor: you’re welcome

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

The government even made aliens boring

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.