Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

Me: You want me to wear a rubber?

Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.

Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules

I’m not sorry.

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)

Ta-da!