Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird

sales assistant: oh not you again

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

mandolin: finally a violin for men

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.

HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

3yo: dad.

Me: why aren’t you sleeping?

3yo: I am sleeping.

Me: then why are we talking?

3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.

Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.