Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

[etched on my tombstone]

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?

Me: It’s a fake.

Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?

Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…

Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.

Me: Really? Just me?

Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.

Me: I don’t have time for players.

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.