Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
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the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
No, you’re not getting it your honor
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!