Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

[aliens observing earth]

“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car