Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
You Might Also Like
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.