Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
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I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
oh you wanna fight?!
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.