Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

Person: *yelling at me*

Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better

Person: *abruptly shutting up*

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

Batman v Dracula

Printer ink is expensive

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.