Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
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Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.
Safest bet I ever made.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
(yawn)
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant