HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
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Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
