HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
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The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.