HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
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“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections