Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
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im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]