Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
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Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Siri: Retweet me.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte