Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
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My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.