Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If only

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.

Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”

Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”

[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?

her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

Perfect

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]