Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

A Monday every week is excessive

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.

Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…

Mom: Cant what?!

D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.

M: *single tear falls*

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.

[marketing meeting]

Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children

Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat