Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal. 

Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel

Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.

He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.