Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
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dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
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ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?