Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
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Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I can fix him.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Anyone really
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich