Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

ok like just. call me at this point

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies

No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.