Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!

ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

them: our youngest is 73 months.

me: what’s that in human people years

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.

If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.

If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.