husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests
me: yes…for our guests
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Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
wife: what are you thinking about
guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it
The sacred texts.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Bobby pin
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business