Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

a whale would make a great christmas tree topper but only if you want a very flat, very wet tree

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

Personal question. #JustSaying

My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.

It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.