Husband: you should get out of the house more
Me: *goes shopping*
Husband: not like that
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If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date