Husband: you should get out of the house more
Me: *goes shopping*
Husband: not like that
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*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.