Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me