Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
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baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.