Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
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wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Got a light
