Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
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mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
This makes total sense…
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general