Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
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Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife