Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

[getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

This is no longer winter this is harassment

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats